Sometime in the last year or so I have become timid. The realization of this sad fact came to me the other day when I was reconsidering a backpacking trip because I might have to go alone. I was actually scared to spend a few short days in the mountains by myself. I credit a late-blooming passion for the outdoors for the attitude and mindset that characterizes me when I am at my best; a little wild, a little reckless, and eager for adventure. That I am scared to replenish something which gives me such good fuel (wahoo juice) says all I need to know about the pathetic state of affairs that I find myself in.
I also have slowly become less confident around people that I am not intimately close and comfortable with. I am awkward around new people, and, fearing to put my real self forward, settle for being "nice" and "witty." It's all a mask. "Nice" is just "neutral." It means that people don't have any opinion of you except they have no reason to dislike you. It is not genuine. Some people will like me as I am, and others will not. My timidity doesn't allow me to make friends OR enemies, and in truth, either would be preferable. Because of my discomfort around new people, I am more sensitive to slights, both real and perceived. In the past, I was rarely, if ever, disrespected. I think I just carried myself in a way that reflected what I felt internally; I could handle myself. While I still can, I wouldn't be at all surprised if my appearance and gait doesnt reflect that in the same way that it did. I have taken to respond to this kind of thing with sarcasm instead of clear-eyed confrontation. More neutrality. It's bullshit.
In short, I have lost my "wahoo." This blog is to record my journey of getting it back and maintaining it.
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