Reminder

We are not owed anything in this world.  Not money, not a career, not close friends, not love.  Act accordingly.

Comforts

    We are not fragile, but we baby ourselves constantly.  "I am hungry and I am away from home, therefore I need to stop and eat out."  But I will be home within a few hours.  Am I so dainty that I can't bear a little hunger for two hours?  If true, that is sad.  

    A friend on facebook recently made a political post talking about how it takes so much more money and time to raise a family these days than it did when her parents were working.  I am as passionate a believer that the middle class is getting screwed as anybody, but it also begs the question; did her parents have iphones and a car for every member of the family and a habit of eating out for half of their meals during the week?  Definitely not.  It's called lifestyle inflation, and we are all guilty of it.  The things that used to be considered incredible luxuries are now basic necessities that we consider ourselves entitled to.

    Probably one of the most useful character traits that can be developed is the ability to go without.  If I have gone over 30 years without something, how can I really make the argument that I need it?  This all ties into the theme of this blog.  We need to stay hard.  Not cold and emotionless, but hard.  It is a healthy thing to differentiate ourselves from a society that caters to every whim and coddles every slight discomfort.  In my daily life, I need to remind myself of these facts.  A little hunger, a little fatigue, a little thirst, a little pain; this is all manageable.  Act accordingly.

Daily Discipline

    I have been working from home for about three years, and have gone without a direct boss for about six.  Lately I have realized that I very rarely have an actual, external need to be disciplined.  I have a fair amount of professional responsibility, but I have more than enough time to do it all.  With the exception of customer meetings, I can pretty much do my work whenever and however I see fit.  I am very lucky to have this freedom.  I have noticed that I am taking advantage of it by taking longer to do things than they require.  The joke is really on me however, as I end up "working" for a lot longer than the people who have actual offices to go to. 

    We shouldn't be severe with ourselves, but we should be disciplined, and we should hold ourselves to a high standard.  I have found that discipline is a cumulative force, and that it does not need to be exercised on only the big issues for the benefits to start adding up.  It is a matter of waking up when the alarm goes off or going to the gym even though you are feeling lazy or run down.  It's not being a pussy, frankly, and the more things that you exercise your will over, the more in control of yourself you become.

    I have become very slack with myself.  I can't stand wasting time, and yet, I waste a lot of time.  No wonder that I feel so disgusted with myself lately.  The funny thing about wasting time is that you don't actually enjoy the time spent, even though you would think there would be some enjoyment taken from doing something more fun than work, study, or whatever else you should be doing.  It doesn't work that way.  I actually feel stressed and in a hurry the whole day, even though there is plenty of time to get everything done.  My friends or family will call, and I don't have time to talk or be 100% present because I am thinking more about what I still need to do.  The ability to be available to family was supposed to be one of the benefits of working from home.

    The good thing is that the solution is simple.  Do the things that need to be done.  Do them with as close to 100% focus as possible, without getting side-tracked or trying to do three things at once.  Just focus on what needs to be done, and then move on to the next thing.  If it is a gym day, then barring a major injury you go to the gym.  Really, it is as simple as just DOING what it is you are supposed to do, getting done, and then doing whatever it is you WANT to do.

Lost Wahoo

Sometime in the last year or so I have become timid.  The realization of this sad fact came to me the other day when I was reconsidering a backpacking trip because I might have to go alone.  I was actually scared to spend a few short days in the mountains by myself.  I credit a late-blooming passion for the outdoors for the attitude and mindset that characterizes me when I am at my best; a little wild, a little reckless, and eager for adventure.  That I am scared to replenish something which gives me such good fuel (wahoo juice) says all I need to know about the pathetic state of affairs that I find myself in.

I also have slowly become less confident around  people that I am not intimately close and comfortable with.  I am awkward around new people, and, fearing to put my real self forward, settle for being "nice" and "witty."  It's all a mask.  "Nice" is just "neutral."  It means that people don't have any opinion of you except they have no reason to dislike you.  It is not genuine.  Some people will like me as I am, and others will not.  My timidity doesn't allow me to make friends OR enemies, and in truth, either would be preferable.  Because of my discomfort around new people, I am more sensitive to slights, both real and perceived.  In the past, I was rarely, if ever, disrespected.  I think I just carried myself in a way that reflected what I felt internally; I could handle myself.  While I still can, I wouldn't be at all surprised if my appearance and gait doesnt reflect that in the same way that it did.  I have taken to respond to this kind of thing with sarcasm instead of clear-eyed confrontation.  More neutrality.  It's bullshit.

In short, I have lost my "wahoo."  This blog is to record my journey of getting it back and maintaining it.